What if you’re a talker and he’s the silent type?

Communication is a big part of marriage, and it can be difficult if you're a talker and he's more of the silent type! Have you ever found yourself frustrated with him not being as expressive with his words as you would like? Does he sometimes get irritated at how much you want to talk? It can definitely be tough, but I've come up with a few ways to make things go a little smoother if you're a chatterbox and he prefers not to speak so much. Click through to read!

The title of this post sums up our entire marriage. 😉 Alex is a quiet guy, and I’m a HUGE talker. Lucky for him (just kidding), I’m not a huge talker all the time…just around him. I wouldn’t change a thing about him, but to be honest, this one difference can have quite an impact on our day to day life. In fact, we see some result of talker vs. silent almost every day, and it’s not always pretty. Are you and your husband the same way? Have you ever found yourself frustrated with him not being as expressive with his words as you would like? Does he sometimes get irritated at how much you want to talk? It can definitely be tough, but I’ve come up with a few ways to make things go a little smoother if you’re a chatterbox and he prefers not to speak so much.


Figure out what “type of talking” bugs him

This is probably going to be the thing that helps the most when you’re trying to figure this out. All men are different, and what bugs one silent type might not bug the other type. For instance, my husband doesn’t really have a problem talking face to face. It may be a whole lot of me talking and him nodding, but it doesn’t frustrate him unless it’s been going for hours and hours and hours and hours. However, he DESPISES talking on the phone. He feels like it’s a waste of time and like he has to drop everything that he is doing in order to pay attention to the call. It’s just not his thing. That’s not to say that we never talk on the phone when he travels, but it’s something that I need to be aware of before I pick up the phone and expect him to be Romeo. Determine what type of talking your husband isn’t fond of! It could be phone calls, texting, talking immediately after a long fight, etc. Just ask him!


write things down

I am a true talker. I want to talk to my husband 5 minutes after I leave the house, I could text him all day, and every little thing that happens throughout my day seems like an excuse to gab his ear off. If you’re like me, this tip is for you. I’ve figured out that one of the reasons why I want to talk so much is because I’m afraid I might forget something that I want to tell him. I’ve got a pretty type-A personality, and my brain is always on overdrive. The moment that something pops into my head, I feel the need to immediately tell Alex for fear that I’ll forget and the world will end. #itsridiculous Lately, I’ve started keeping a note on my phone or a piece of paper near by and jotting down all the ideas that come into my head. Instead of telling my husband all the things I’m thinking immediately, I wait until we can be together in person (remember, he doesn’t like phone calls much), and then I launch into my topics. I still try to keep it short and sweet so I don’t overwhelm him, though! Doing this ensures that I get what I need and Alex knows that I respect who he is. Win, win!


Related:  5 Ways to Guard Your Marriage



respect each other’s differences

This one is for BOTH of you. Marriage only works if the two of you respect each other’s differences and work to make those differences an enhancement instead of a disadvantage. It would be really easy to just skirt around the issue, get frustrated, make up, move on, and have it happen all over again…time and time again. Taking the time to understand where your spouse is coming from will save you many fights and time in the future. Try not to think of it as a preference for your spouse, but instead think of their desire to be silent OR chatty as a need. Once you both are able to see why this need is important for the other person, you’re able to move forward in a direction of respect instead of irritation.


Discover what works

Now, it’s all well and good to respect your spouse’s desire to be the silent type, but the two of you are going to have to talk at some point. It may be beneficial to figure out a way to bridge the communication gap between you and your spouse in an alternative way. If you husband isn’t the best wordsmith right on the spot, see if texting or writing a letter may be more up his alley! Maybe your man gets a little quiet during serious conversations face-to-face…instead of staring each other down, try to have those long talks on a walk. It may help your spouse open up if he doesn’t have to gaze into your eyes the whole time. 😉

Related:  How We Learned to Complain Effectively


There are so many different ways to bridge the gap between the talker and the silent type. Opposites attract, so we’ve got to work to make it work! Get creative! Whatever issue the two of you are facing in your communication, remember that God blessed you with your marriage for a reason. The best thing that the two of you can do is team up and face marriage head on while following God’s lead!


Let’s chat! Who is the talker and who is the silent type in your marriage?


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  • Reply
    Allison Rawlings
    May 9, 2020 at 3:57 am

    I’m also in a serious relationship with a quiet man. I live communication, sharing thoughts and vulnerabilities…. he’s happy to listen but is quite self contained. Tbh I’m feeling disconnected 😞. I’m an introverted extrovert -at least I think that’s the term – I feel stimulated and cheered around chatter and laughter but my fiancé likes affection and is happy with silence sometimes.
    We are both believers in Jesus and that’s a strong connection. I love him but I want to figure this out because it’s causing a lot of distress… almost to the point I am questioning if we are right for each other. And yet there is so much of value too.

  • Reply
    December 31, 2018 at 10:44 pm

    Respect each others differences. That’s the its. Lol my husband is the talker. The repeater and to me its very draining to actively listen to him talk all day. But when jt comes to that respect each others differences. There is crickets.

  • Reply
    December 18, 2018 at 2:20 am

    Hi Carisa, glad that I found your blog. Really love to read all your writings. Specially this one. I’m in a serious relationship with my current boyfriend. And sure he is a silent type. At first he already talk about our differences and he already aware about it. After 7 months we don’t have any problem. But reading this making me realize more and should learn more. Thank you so much and warm regards from Indonesia.

  • Reply
    December 7, 2018 at 9:50 am

    I am not married but I am in a serious relationship and it has become very clear to me that he is the silent one and I am the talker… When we first began dating I took it as him being upset or loosing interest but I’m coming to realize that it is just how he is. I want to be able to work past this because he is very kind, supporting and a believer in Christ. It doesn’t help that we have opposite love languages, I will try out some of the things in your article and address how Him and I spend time differently. Thank you!

    • Reply
      December 8, 2018 at 8:44 pm

      I’m so glad that this encouraged you!

  • Reply
    March 6, 2017 at 12:09 pm

    I’m the talker by comparison and he’s the silent type. Even though I would not say I’m a talker compared to most other women! Our struggle is he is often gone for 5 days straight and the phone is my only connection (and really affection and quality time are my live languages!) He despises the phone?Been struggling with this for 20 years! Some things we’re trying are: 1. I am trying to remember to tell him I just need a listening ear and he doesn’t need to fix anything. 2. I also am careful about my tone of voice. 3. I’ve also asked that if I call at an inopportune moment that he lovingly suggest a better time later that day. 4. Of course I am covering this in prayers well. ? Hoping for some improvement in the near future!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      March 24, 2017 at 9:08 am

      Those are great tips, and I can COMPLETELY relate as my husband travels a bit as well. Keep working and praying, and I know God will create a communication bridge for both of our marriages 😉

  • Reply
    Emma Frazier
    November 19, 2016 at 5:36 pm

    We are just the opposite. I’m generally the quiet one and my husband is super chatty. He makes fun of me because talking to him about something is an “event” for me. I’ve had to work on being a bit more transparent with what I think and feel because it frustrates him that I generally don’t like to talk a lot.

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      December 31, 2016 at 1:02 pm

      That’s so interesting that the two of you are the opposite from my situation! It’s sometimes hard to be transparent, but if you keep working towards a happy medium, I know that the two of you can find balance!

  • Reply
    October 26, 2016 at 1:19 am

    Well my husband is the strong silent type. But when he gets around his friends or talks on the phone with his friends (or people he’s known before me), he can talk for hours. I don’t understand. Help!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      October 31, 2016 at 4:30 pm

      My husband is the same way! I would suggest talking to him a bit about it, and seeing what he says. Share your concerns and go from there. I’m sure he will have an explanation and be willing to work with you!

  • Reply
    September 29, 2016 at 10:03 am

    Hubs is the silent one, and I’m the talker, unless we are talking about work or hockey xD I’ve found that HOW I speak makes a huge difference, and I’ve made an effort to use inntonation and rhythm that are similar to his; it sounds weird, but it really helps! I remember reading somewhere that listening to a female voice triggers the part of the brain that processes music. Which is not the same part of the brain that wakes up and processes male voices. It makes sense that after a whole day of “man brain” being active, the switch to “female brain” can be difficult. That’s my hypothesis, anyway! xD We also find that things are better if we do stop for five seconds and be visually there while talking to the other. If I’m starting dinner and want to know how many meatballs he wants with his pasta, I need to move away from the stove and peek over to the living room where he is watching TV. It is much better than yelling from room to room!

    • Reply
      Carisa Alford
      October 5, 2016 at 12:20 am

      That’s so interesting! What a good point about stepping to where he is and asking the question near him! Thanks for sharing!

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